;Friday, June 30, 2017
How nice and understanding can one be?
Even when you have given so much and expect nothing in return. Your efforts seemed to be taken for granted.
In other word, I felt used.
Am I already at my limit already?
It felt like resentment is growing.
And I'm emotionally drained.
Perhaps this is how a reset button feels like, you have to start building a new you somewhere.
The past defines who you are now and the past will be the foundation of the new you right?
I really need to let go of this baggage and use these energy to focus on myself.
Rainbow Madness; 11:26 PM
;
Why am I torn in between?
First of all, where do I get my hopes from? Why am I still hoping for something that is not gonna happen? Her heart and mind are never about me. So why?
Come to think of it, probably she is treating me as a friend. C'mon, I was the one who asked if we can still be friend. So I better not over think stuff!
Sorry heart. You just have to keep up with the mind.
心很痛
Rainbow Madness; 11:34 AM
;Tuesday, June 27, 2017
Dear heart. It should be enough to kill the last ounce of hope right?
Rainbow Madness; 8:29 PM
;Monday, June 26, 2017
Well I said it, I still love you.
And I miss you alot, despite the fact that we see each other daily at work. I really miss you.
I know it's been only a month since we broke up.
But they say if you truly love someone, you shouldn't be playing games with her right?
Everytime I contacted you, it comes from within. I really wanna hear your voice and know how you are doing.
Yes, it's selfish on my side. No, I'm not needy or desperate. I'm already satisfied with it and I can't really ask for more. I'm so sorry that I kept pushing but it should be this way if I really want you back right?
Perhaps what I need is a miracle and let time do it's magic.
Do you still believe in the "One day"?
Rainbow Madness; 10:13 PM
;
1 year ago round this period, we also had a skype call. We were playing maple story.
You said something and I still remember til today.
"I think I know what I want already"
But honestly, by calling you. I felt that I've crossed boundary.
Just sometimes, when it comes to you, I really don't know what to do. Like my heart seems to have taken control over me.
How would you react, if you heard what I said before the line got cut off?
Oh well.
Rainbow Madness; 12:35 PM
;Sunday, June 25, 2017
It's really easier by just accepting the fact of the break up.
So the fact is that we've broken up and are now walking separate paths. No point thinking about the reasons behind this break up, it's not gonna help at all.
In fact, I didn't lose anything. Apart that I lost someone I genuinely love.
Sometimes I do get alot of what ifs questions.
What if she comes back?
Well I think this is what kills most of us when it comes to break up. This can only be carefully thought through when it really happen. So for now, I won't even think about it.
What if she still loves you?
Actions speaks louder then words. So if she really does, she needs to act. My door is not completely shut, she knows how to contact me. Anyway, my doors are all open, if I ever met someone, all door closes!
Rainbow Madness; 11:05 PM
;
Why aee you always appearing in my dreams? Am I flushing everything out or I'm subconsciously still thinking about you?
But every dream you were in, you were as cold as how you are in real life. I would often wake up to such constant pain and rejection.
I still clearly remember a dream. We were sitting at Starbucks and we were waiting for someone. He came shortly after - for you. He took you away from me, and there is a moment you grabbed my sleeve telling me you didn't want to go. But I pull away.
Last night. I dreamt that you came over for dinner. You were lying on my bed. Everything seems fine until you said that you need to leave. I asked why don't you stay but you gave me a weird look. Realisation then hit me real hard, and I said "Oh right, sorry I forgot we broke up."
But I really miss you.
Rainbow Madness; 11:46 AM
;Saturday, June 24, 2017
Seriously just cleaning my room reminds me of you?
When I cleared the table, it reminds of that evening when we came back from Ikea and get it fixed. We had fun didn't we.
Mopping the floor, it reminds me of the moment you spill your drink on the floor. You kept apologising and you wanted to clean it despite the fact that seldom do it yourself. That image was something new to me.
Oh well still got my room cleaned!
Rainbow Madness; 5:13 PM
;Friday, June 23, 2017
I remembered I left my spectacles at a korean restaurant during one of our department lunch. You were so willingly to accompany me back to retrieve it. I felt love.
Same place again, you were crying because of his message. I felt hopeless.
Just some memories.
Rainbow Madness; 11:34 PM
;
I guess I just have to let you be, to truly find out what you want. Even it's him that you want, so be it. Maybe you have already set your mind to it. I truly wish you well too.
Funny how I was your want and need. But action doesn't show. Guess you were a victim of "grass is greener syndrome". I was the greener grass but for some reason, it wasn't as green as you thought it would be.
Honestly, I don't blame you. I thank you for this, there is alot to learn from this relationship. I've learn alot about myself too.
No doubts, time is a healer. Been there done that.
Rainbow Madness; 4:53 PM
;Thursday, June 22, 2017
I think the obvious mistake that I made was to fix someone.
You don't ever fix someone, they fix themselves if they love you and vice versa.
Rainbow Madness; 11:21 PM
;
How do I exactly look at you, talk to you and work with you as a friend?
I don't think I'm doing it right... because it still hurts.
What have I done to lose this?
Was I getting impatient with you?
Was I always forcing my idea on you?
Was I always forcing it every night?
Was I too boring for you?
Was I not attractive to you anymore?
Was I too clingy?
Was I neglecting you?
Was I not listening to you enough?
And why am I still hoping for? What exactly am I expecting? You to realise that I should be the one?
Rainbow Madness; 2:07 PM
;Wednesday, June 21, 2017
So lets just face it. It was a rebound relationship. And definitely it was in an infatuation stage. Typically it should last about 6 months?
When infatuation stage wears off, to make a rebound relationship works, it takes alot of work to make it really happen.
Firstly, you must be aware that this relationship isn't distracting you from the pain you feel from the break up.
Secondly, when infatuation wears off, you probably see yourself trap in a repeated cycle and have no choice but to face the demon. Things like emotional dependence on others, regrets of the failed relationship and changes you hope to make. You can avoid all these underlying issues but it will eventually resurface. But just because it resurfaced, it doesn't mean that the rebound relationship is bound to be doomed. Instead, you work through them.
Thirdly, if you really wish to see this through, you have to cut your exes loose. That includes having no feelings and any sort of contacts.
Lastly, if it work, it will work. Rebounds are dangerous in the fact that a lot of people do not know what they want after a relationship ends and they settle just for the comfort and not being alone. This is where rebounds are extremely dangerous.
Well, I think I'm kinda over analysing it. But this is how we fail i guess.
You are truly happy when you are with me; that being said, you are still sad when you are alone and I was only a distraction from the pain.
You were obviously trapped in a repeated cycle. You needed a "break" a few times in between. Not sure if you really did work through them. At least you convinced yourself to a point where enough was enough. I wished I had the chance to really listen those words and work it out with you.
Obviously, you didn't cut him loose despite so much convincing done in your head. You showed me his "tweeter" like page and it was about you. This IS a form of communication to a certain extent which will string your heart. But I don't belong to the controlling type of guy.
Well, it didn't quite work out the way WE wanted. Guess I'll just leave it as another failed rebound relationship. In the beginning, you were quite true beyond any doubt that you wanted this, but eventually you gave in to the doubts. And probably there is where you lost it.
But well, infatuation wears off, 长痛不如短痛 beh.
Rainbow Madness; 5:36 PM
;Tuesday, June 20, 2017
They say that second place is the ultimate loser.
So close yet so far. This is the summary of my entire love life.
Every time it's the same cycle. I always ended up as an option, being the second place.
Of course, I always hate myself for that.
As much as I wanna channel this hatred and use it as a weapon to move on, I just can't. As I know I'm born to love and I know how deadly that weapon can be.
So it's time to fucking wake up. Don't let her string you. Don't even fucking think about it.
FUCK THIS SHIT
Rainbow Madness; 10:03 PM
;Monday, June 19, 2017
My mum asked about you again.
She was worried that it will affect our work. But I assure her that everything is fine. We kept it quite professionally.
She's relieved and said that it's okay to be friend still despite the break up.
To everyone, this happened out of a blue and they are shocked but nobody knows the exact reason of this break up.
You hold a special place in their eyes. To them, you are a well mannered, lovely, delicated and pretty young woman.
However my mum knows the reason of the break up and she said that at least you are thinking and mature enough to make such a decision.
Which I totally agree, what is hurtful can only be this much. There is nothing much I can do about it. I hope you can really learn and grow yourself given this free time.
Decision is yours.
For all I know, I deeply care for you and can only love you from afar.
I hope you will find the love you really want for yourself.
Til then, I love you.
Rainbow Madness; 11:08 PM
;Sunday, June 18, 2017
I'm missing you so badly right now.
How do I make you disappear from my life.
Or how do I make myself disappear from your life.
Rainbow Madness; 9:17 PM
;Saturday, June 17, 2017
What really hurt me the most is the love that we lost.
If only you said that you wanted to take things slow, I get it.
But instead, you ended it all. What happened to the love you were yearning for?
And to kill me, you chose to go back.
What may seems to be a year, felt like it only lasted for 3 months.
Rainbow Madness; 7:07 PM
;
I had McDonalds breakfast. How I wish that I was you I'm eating with.
Are you awake yet?
Have you eaten your lunch?
What do you feel like eating?
Are you still holding your bladder?
Is the toilet clean for your usage?
Will there be someone to clean the toilet for you?
Anyone there to make sure you wake up?
Do you want your daily coffee dose?
This room is so empty now, what's left is only myself, computer, guitar and a picture of us together.
Only if I turn around and you are there, I will dive myself into the blanket and give you the warm cuddle.
No, it will never ever gonna happen again.
I miss you.
Rainbow Madness; 2:58 PM
;Friday, June 16, 2017
Your smile is still so captivating.
It felt like I was falling in love all over again.
But I know it just a courtesy on your side.
Deep down I know I want it back more than walking away.
1 year is so much to forget, than again, 4 years is even harder.
Oh wells.
Rainbow Madness; 4:14 PM
;Thursday, June 15, 2017
Fuck... I'm running cold turkey again.
My heart just can't keep still and I can't think straight anymore.
I don't know if I'm getting wrong signal but it feels that way.
Then again, you said you don't love me anymore.
"Every now and then I think you might want me to come show up at your door, but I'm just too afraid that I'll be wrong"
Rainbow Madness; 9:17 PM
;Tuesday, June 13, 2017
What used to be late night call is now fighting the urge to tell you that I missed you.
What used to be morning journey of texting is now listening to good music to keep myself sane.
What used to be a good weekend spent with you is now self improvement and healing.
Do you know how it feels like to bury someone alive 10 feet under and to hear him crying every night, knowing that he is still alive and needs help.
Yes, scary and creepy.
I didn't want to do it, but I have to kill him.
Everyday I had to put on a mask, but deep down it's killing me. Being still able to see you at work serve both comfort and pain.
Comfort that I'm still able to be there for you, and you physical by my side.
Pain knowing that physically you are here but your heart is never here. It pains me more to know that you are probably texting him.
But what makes you happy, it's always worth the pain right?
I know it has to stop someday and I know I have to move on. I just gotta find a way out, maybe there really is a way out.
Not that I didn't try, I deleted photos, phone messages, but I just couldn't bare to delete our facebook message.
Maybe one day, it will be a true indication that I've really moved on.
Wait, maybe she is still figuring out? There might be a second chance!
Yeah, that's what my heart says everyday. My head will tell it to stop.
There is no way you can put it clearer to me anymore. I no longer have that attraction.
But still I wonder why.
Rainbow Madness; 10:12 PM
